Chasing Normal?

My sister once told me she believed God appointed to me the hard things I'm walking through because he is using my life to encourage other people to trust and obey him.

I want that, but I also confess I don't.

Part of me just wants a "normal" life with ease. No ongoing marital struggle. No conviction about things that the world around me, even my own family, think I'm being ridiculous about. But that part of me is a silent cancer in my soul and I choose to slay it with truth.

The truth is no one has a normal life. I get to hear lots of peoples' stories as a nurse. When you start talking to people you find out the abnormal things that are in everyone's lives. But the desire to have a normal life comes from something written in me, and in us all, that knows there is a normal. There is a life that is whole and right. There is a life that is good and desirable. There is a life full of pleasantness and pleasure. That life is Christ.

The idea that I should resist or flee the struggles I face to try and find a more "normal" life in another person, or a better income, or more convenience, or a better climate or withdrawing from people and getting back to nature, or whatever... that idea is a lie.  It's a trick.  It's a wild goose chase intended to keep you from facing reality.  It's a wasting of your life.  The reality is we are all messed up people.  We all have to face the wrongs we and others do and the damage it causes in our relationships and in the world.

Without knowing Christ, the abnormal lives we all live have to be explained and managed somehow. Enter religion, atheism, humanism, or any other ism people use to try and manage the mess we all are.  But with Christ, we taste of the normal life we long for.

Oh, taste and see that the Lord is good! Blessed is the man who takes refuge in him! - Psalm 34:8 

The Bible talks about a new man, comparing Christ- the new man- with Adam, the first man, the man we all come from.  Adam and everyone after him live abnormal lives with a longing for normal life.  Christ came into the world to offer us his life. Real life.  Christ's life is given to those who believe him and love him.  As a Christian, I have the very life of the new man, the normal man, living in me.  And whereas before, the first man, the abnormal man, was striving to hold on to some semblance of normalcy, chasing it wherever he caught a glimpse of it, the new man I am knows I have it already.  So I can go through the trials and sufferings I face in life with an open heart and hand.  I can do like Jesus said and let my broken life be used to bring new life.

Truly, truly, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it bears much fruit. Whoever loves his life loses it, and whoever hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life. -John 12:24-25.  

That's a very strange thing to say to us abnormal people, holding tight to our lives, trying to self-preserve and keep our lives as normal as possible. But to the Christian, it is the new way, the normal way to live.

Jesus is God in the flesh.  The God Man humbled to dying human cells in an abnormal human family in a world full of the abnormal people damaging each other and the world around them.  He came bringing new life.  A life-giving life.  A life united with the God who made us.  And the way he did it was to die and over come death as the God-Man.  Now his life is in us who believe in him.  And his way is now our way.  We can give our lives away because we know we already have life in Christ.

C.S. Lewis said "Nothing you have not given away will ever truly be yours."

I don't know what Lewis was eluding to.  I haven't read the entirety of Mere Christianity yet.  But he points to the truth that when you have life in Christ, you can deny yourself, you can loose your life, because its yours!  Jesus said:

If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me. For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will save it. For what does it profit a man if he gains the whole world and loses or forfeits himself? -Luke 9:23-25

We all want normalcy.  But we all have to deal with an abnormal life.  We'll do so one of two ways- futile attempts at self-preservation and chasing glimpses of ease, comfort and normality.  Or Christ. The normal life I long for I've found in Christ.  Now I can let my difficulties and abnormal realities be opportunities to give away the life that is mine forever.

You Liberals think that goats are just sheep from broken homes. - Malcom Bradbury

I just threw that title in cause it's a crazy presidential election season, but I should have titled this post: We're giving up the goats.

Yep, you read correctly.  Our family's 3 plus year adventure with dairy goats is coming to an end.

If only had once sentence to explain why I'm doing this it would be this:

I believe God is leading me to use my time, resources and skills as a nurse to serve others in His name more.

*****I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY!  The above was the beginning of a long, thought-out post about why I've decided to give up the dairy goats in pursuit of more time available for serving God with my life as a nurse... or however He leads.  But, the Mac locked up and I had to force quite and that is all that's left!  I guess I don't need to post a long thought out post.  Deep sigh.

I guess I'll just post pics from our years with the goats and say, I'll miss the cheese and yogurt and milk.  I'll miss the kidding seasons and those floppy-eared personalities.  But I'm looking forward to laying aside the good to pursue the best in what God would lead me to do right now.

FYI:   For my soap customers and friends: I'll still be making soap.  Goats Make Soap Co. will have a new direction and operate a bit differently, but we'll still be making our amazing soaps.

“If we really have too much to do, there are some items on the agenda which God did not put there. Let us submit the list to him and ask him to indicate which items we must delete. There is always time to do the will of God. If we are too busy to do that, we are too busy.”

- Elisabeth Elliot 

My life-rythm is about as good as my dancing

(Connor's work on his memory verse)



When I was 16 I wanted to be a ballerina. Somehow though, six foot and awkward don't look very graceful in a tutu. I can't dance. I want to dance. I like to dance. But if you saw me and my kids playing Just Dance4 you could come up with some good blackmail material. Shoot, I can't even tap my foot to a beat for long.


My life feels sort of the same way.  I'm moving to the music the best I can, but my timing and rhythm are all messed up!  I'm always trying to get the beat back on track and I'm pretty sure if I would play just one song at a time, it wouldn't be so bad.  But as it is I'm trying to keep up with my blogging, my journaling, my 1000 gifts journal, my goal to memorize Colossians in a year, my clean eating plan, exercising, Sunday school lessons... and the daily life stuff, not to mention spending time with my kids and husband.  I guess each of those things doesn't necessarily need to be it's own "song".  It can be an instrument in the symphony God is composing out of my life.  I need to focus on the Conductor and not worry about all the instruments and just simply play the part He's conducting me in now.

Mornings begin the rhythm... If I get that wrong, the rest of the day is not so harmonic.  I've been taking in the Word every morning with my black coffee and using the memorizing of Colossians as my daily bread. 

The month of January was dedicated to clean eating, grateful journaling, seeking Eucharistic living, heart-knowing the Word, and more consistent exercise.  By the grace of God, all those endeavors have been blessed with success.  More grace and mercy to keep moving forward please!

I know it was grace-given success because a root of bitterness got dealt with and seeds of gratitude are already bearing fruit: having contempt for contempt I chose to think on the good and so decided to call him my Music Man.  He loves to jam.  He walks around with his guitar.  He's always reminding me, without saying a word, of that seemingly prophetic line in the song we walked down the isle as husband and wife to:

They say that the road
Ain't no place to start a family
Right down the line it's been you and me
And loving a music man
Ain't always what it's supposed to be
Oh Girl
You stand by me
I'm forever yours
Faithfully

I'm reading several books right now:  A Long Obedience In The Same Direction,  If God is Good,  It Starts With Food, Sacred Marriage, and Robinson Crusoe.  I keep bouncing from one to the next.  There are so many good quotes in them all.  I keep highlighting and underlining and dog-earing... good books. 

Baseball season is coming.  Connor and James do baseball.  I cheer them on and support in anyway I can.  Ryland looks for other player's siblings who want to play a game with him.  Ryland's been doing Crossfit kids.  He loves it.  I'm glad.  It's the only physically active activity  he enjoys.  He also wants to join chess club and today told me he misses piano lessons.  It's gotta be hard for non-jock boy with a jock dad and jock big brother.  Actually, he doesn't seem to think it's hard.  He's perfectly happy the way he is. 

Sometimes I feel we could easily become a family where one child goes with one parent and the other child with the other parent.  I guard against that.  When it's Connor's baseball season we are there for him.  When Ryland has Crossfit or is involved with the chess club, we're there for him. 

Since I spent the last 30 + days doing the Whole30 challenge I am now being encouraged by the Music Man to pursue cooking my clean, nutrient dense meals and bringing them to Crossfit gyms in the area to sell to fatigued post WOD-ers.  He suggests a morning, afternoon, and evening stop.  I guess he likes my cooking.  Smile. 

At first I thought he was just being nice, but he's serious business.  So we'll see where this goes.  I don't even know where to start.  I guess three good, kitchen-tested recipes, say, a breakfast, lunch and dinner, might be a good place to start.  Then maybe just a giveaway after a WOD... hmmm, I feel a brainstorm coming.  I guess I'll take a step of faith and go for it.   This is one of those things where I look up and think maybe the stars are aligned right...  The Proverbs 21:1 star, the 1 Peter 5:6 star, and the 1 Peter 3:1 star. 

I gave my notice at work that I won't be coming back next year.  This was before the suggestion by the Music Man to get a "roach coach" (as he puts it) and start selling Something Real meals.  I made the decision to go back to work at a hospital next year part time and use the tuition reimbursement most hospital's offer to finish my bachelor's degree in nursing.  In 2020 it will be a requirement to even become a R.N.  No more A.A.S. nurses like me.  My priority is building relationships in my family and making a home, and whatever work I do for an income needs to support that, not tear it down.  Working as a school nurse has a very beneficial schedule for a mom of school aged children, but I've decided the trade off of evenings, weekends, holidays and summer break doesn't make up for the daily life available and together.  As it is right now I feel like a part-time, seasonal mom and wife and a full-time school nurse.  That is the wrong order.  The Music Man is supportive of this and as I said, is even now encouraging me towards entrepreneurship.  Who knew?!  I know Who knew.  And He also knows what's next.  All my plans are in His hands.  If the Lord wills, next year I will be working part time, working on my bachelor's degree online, and hopefully helping out in a classroom once a week... my kids' classroom!

If every morning and every evening and all day long I don't come back to the lyrics of truth, when the seasons of my life change, when the many options surround me, when I want my life to be what it's not, when thoughts barrage and lies slip in, I loose the beat and fall apart.  But if I can keep the beat of truth going all day and all night I might just be a dancer in His sight. 

Quieted,

Sheila

What do you do when you don't have her life?

Like I said, a reset happened last week. A turning around.  Sometimes you have to go back to where you started.  Do the things you did at first to rekindle the smoldering flame.  And thank God He doesn't just put it out. 

I spilled messy feelings out to the Music Man yesterday.  I'm sure it all sounded worse than a thirteen year old's first blows on a saxophone.  Probably more like clanging symbols.  I had to get it out... it was festering in me.  "Something's got to change!"  I said.  "I can't keep going like this!"

She's right.  I don't get to make him love me like I want to be loved.  I don't get to make him listen or laugh or get it or just hold me.  I don't get to make my life the life I thought I'd have.  

I read her grace-writings frequently, and today's seemed to be the vessel through which He said, "I know you.  Let me love you the way I deem best."

I had already been thinking about it since I clamored out my noisy thoughts and feelings yesterday.  Ever since he looked at me and I'm sure he was thinking, "She'll never change,"  while I was looking at him realizing I had always come to him expecting him to change.  I realized I have wandered off.  I've got to return to that place where I fed on truth and grace and was infused with enthusiasm in serving my Lord.

So how can I serve Him when I don't have that life I dreamed of?

I've probably read every Christian wife-help book out there.  The Excellent Wife.  The Power of a Praying Wife.  Created to be His Helpmeet.  Feminine Appeal.  And probably some others I don't remember right now.  I've read these and have always been stumped as to how to take that mold and force my life into it.

I work full-time.  I have children in public school.  My music man and I are marching to different drummers.  The T.V. is on more than I want.  The dinner table is crank-your-neck-to-the-side-to-see-what's-on-T.V.-and-shove-the-food-in-your-face-as-fast-as-you-can time. There is no ministering to others coming out of this house, nor is there inviting others in.  There's too much YouTube and Internet browsing and video games.  There's a hiding to practice spiritual disciplines.  And there's a murmuring of hymns, lest they be sung out loud and call attention to differing drum beats... just to name some of my top I-don't-have-a-life-that-fits-into-the-Christian-household's-mold things.  And it's not like I can just busy myself and children with nature... we live in a 80 by 100 foot block walled square.  And the view out the window is shades of brown concrete and stucco.  Our history is scarred from separations and near divorces.  The hurt keeps coming back.  Again.  And again.  So how do I do this?  How do I serve Him in THIS life?

The answer is so obvious.  So right in front of me.  So me.  Me and my closed fist.  Me and my tight grip.  Me and my trying to force it.

If I want to gain my life I'm gonna have to open my grip on this one and let go.  That's the only way to follow Jesus no matter you're circumstances.  The only one who I can squeeze into the mold of scripture is me.

"Don't be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind." -Romans 12:2

Maybe you don't have a dream life.  Maybe you live in circumstances you wish were different.  Like Ann said, we don't get to write our stories.  But we do get to take what we've been given and make the ending a giving.  A giving of thanks.

I went back and read some of those words I wrote years ago when I was thinking on hope-filled truth and not the devastation.  I am ashamed at how far my heart has wondered away from my house of bread in my famine.  Instead of holding my ground and trusting, because He always provides, instead I let the way all the fish mindlessly floating downstream think become the way I think.  Rights.  Self-Exaltation.  Rights.  Self-Preservation.  Rights.  Self-Pleasing.  Rights.  Self-Comfort.  Rights.  Self-Esteem.  Rights.  This is the beat of the current that I stopped swimming against in my mind. I let myself drift in its steady flow towards a dead sea.  I was taking on D.H. Lawrence's poisonous motto, "with should and ought I shall have nothing to do!"

But He's got my attention.  He's called me back.  I've heard again how He's provided, as He always does, for His own.  I've returned to His table.  I've eaten of His bread.

You don't get to change anyone Sheila.  You just get to be changed. 

"What if God didn't design marriage to be "easier"?  What if God had an end in mind that went beyond our happiness, our comfort, and our desire to be infatuated and happy as if the world were a perfect place?  What if God designed marriage to make us holy  more than to make us happy?  What if, as de Sales hints, we are to accept the 'bitter juice' because out of it we may learn to draw the resources we need with which to make the 'honey of a holy life'?" - Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas

55. my music man encouraging entrepreneurship
56. the orange sunset
57. the promise to use my mess to mold me into the image of the Son

Quieted,

Sheila

Reset

Sometimes my computer freezes. That terrible rainbow wheel turns round and round and there's nothing I can do to get out of the screen I'm in, I just have to reach over and hold that power button until I manually turn off the computer. I wait a few minutes and turn it back on and usually all the same screens pop up, but at least then I can sort through them and pick the ones I want to get out of without the wheel of death stopping me.

Something like that has happened with me this past few weeks.  It's time to push the reset button.  For me that's turning off the frozen thought process and taking in truth.  Bible truth.

Feelings are by no means a guide, but they are a sensor.  The fire alarm in my house has a sensor that causes an alarm to go off when there's too much of an unseen, unsmelled deadly gas in the house.  When my feelings set off a depression-alarm in me I realize I'm taking in some toxic breath.  Lately I've been feeling poisoned and truth, like strong breath of clear air is the anti venom.

I care too much about people's estimation of me.  Shouldn't I care?  Isn't a good reputation important?  I thought this as I was getting in my car after work the other day replaying a conversation I had with a co-worker.  I argued in my head, "Isn't it important to have a good reputation?"  And I heard that still, small voice that breaks cedars whisper to my heart, "Are you concerned with what people think of you, or what people think of Me because of you?"  Suddenly it was clear as day.  My concern about what other think of me is perverted from the way God made it to be.  I was made a God-Image-Bearer.  I was made to magnify His nature.  I was made to glorify His attributes.  I was made to reflect His beauty.  My reputation is important, not because it matters what people think of me, but it matters what people think of HIM because of me.

This tipped off an avalanche of my missed-the-mark-ness cascading down the mountain of my unbelief.   And when it all came crashing down in my mind, and I sat there buried under the weight of my own sin- I struggled to find that breath of fresh air.  All I could do was cry, "No matter what, you are worthy my praise.  Even if I can't figure out how to get past all this, or what to do with all the alarms going off in my heart, I know one thing.  You are good.  And you do good.  And your judgements are right.  Always.  And you are merciful.  And you are worth my mouth physically opening and giving you thanks and praise even if I'm buried under a mountain of unbelief!"

That's all it takes.  Reset.  "Whoever calls upon the name of the Lord will be saved."  Run to Him.  Not away from Him.  "The Lord is my strong tower.  A fortress."  "He is my hiding place."  "Those who run to him will be saved."

But then comes a time to turn the thing back on.  To go back out into the battle.  Once He's restored my thinking,  He shows me what went wrong and gives me the prescription to deal with my enemies: covetousness (which is idolatry), bitterness (which defiles many), greed (an insatiable desire for more- in my instance not of stuff but of recognition).  Yuck!  Ugh!  The remedy:  Confess.  Say what the Truth-teller says about it.  And sing.  He is worthy no matter what!  This will drive out the slick-talking Worm-Tongue who poisons the minds of so many.

So, since I've publicly wanted the glory, I must publicly give it to the One it belongs to.

Here's what He says.  He's right.  This is the root that's sprung up poisonous tentacles all over my nearly numb heart:

I've wanted Ann's life, my whole life.  Not the struggle she had to go through to get there, just the farm, and the family, the schooling and the writing.  I've coveted what I don't have.

I've wanted Carolyn's life.  Elizabeth's life.  Amy's life.  And I've tried to take make my life like theirs.  Well, that's just following a role-model isn't it?  If it was just the character with which they faced adversity that I wanted, or the way they've walked by faith, then yes.  That would be noble.  But I wanted the circumstances.  If I could just have their circumstances I would be happy.  Life would be the way it should be.  And I could enjoy life.  So I worked at making their circumstances mine through pressure, force and manipulation.  And when that didn't work, I surrendered to what I didn't want and looked up at God with a closed-fist and cried bitterly, "Why?!  I wanted good things!  Why?!"

I am Mara, Naomi's self-given name.  I saw God as responsible for my circumstances and because He wouldn't get off the throne and let my wants reign when I wanted them too I saw Him as harsh and withdrew from His hiding place into my own self-made walls.  I shut my lips from offering the sacrifice of thanks and started spewing out the poison of bitterness.  Mostly to my own husband.

My lament became a complaint against God, but I didn't even realize it.  God is in control.  Not my husband.  Not me.  Not my parents.  No my job.  Not the economy.  Not the president.  He gives and He takes away, blessed be the name of the Lord!

So now that He's swept through and the toxic fumes of bitterness have cleared out and I can see the root of my bitterness: covetousness and greed, now what?

Wall building.  Not self-made.  Obedience-made.  One brick of obedience at a time.  I'm far from a Titus 2 woman.  I'm far from Ann's farm, or Carolyn's marriage, or Elizabeth's missionary adventures, or Amy's orphan-rescuing life.  I'm alien to the Proverbs 31 wife.  My circumstances are very un-glamorous.  And I can't handle the public attention these women have been given.  I want it too much.  My walls are torn down because of my own self-destructive hands- hands that have tried to hold on to my own planned-out life and have lost it.  And if God grants me the grace and covers me with His mercy- oh please let me Lord for my life means nothing if it doesn't bring you glory!- I will begin the Nehemiah-sized task of rebuilding a life that brings Him glory.  No circumstances can keep me from laying up bricks of virtue as laid out for me in scripture.  This is a heart work, not a circumstance work.

Oh please let me Lord, please help me like Ezra as I have set my heart to re-learn your Word and to do it and then to seed-plant it in another! You have shown me such mercy!  You have not treated me as my sins deserve!  You have born the consequence of all my perversion of Your image in me.  You, the most true, the most kind, the most pure, the most good, the most right, the most gentle, the most strong, the most meek, the most powerful, the most knowing Person ever and true God all the time... it is YOU I have marred and wronged... even when I'm not trying to.  I've twisted Your nature.  I've maligned Your goodness.  I've perverted Your character!  Nothing anyone has ever done or will ever do to me- no set of circumstances I have or could ever deem as messed-up could ever be more wrong to me than I have been to you.  Actually all my messed up circumstances and the messed up people in my life who have hurt me reflect me pretty well.  I'm messed up and they hurt me because, like me they're messed up. But you are not messed up and I am.  And I'm supposed to reflect you!

Woe is me!  I am undone!!!  Yet even still, with what grace, with what mercy you lift me out of this self-made dung heap and stand me on my feet.  You call me what I am not.  You promise me what I haven't earned or deserved.  You are good through and through!  And so, what's a cracked-pot like me to do?  All I can do is let your treasure shine.  You, the Light of the World, in ME?!  Me.  Yes.  Through brokenness.  I have enough of that.

And as though that wouldn't be enough, You even call me to move as your strength moves me to rebuild your glory in me.  I want to do it.  You deserve it!  Help me not to grow weary in that good work of loving a husband and children, managing my home, reaching out to others, voluntarily getting behind my husband as I trust You to lead through him, being self-controlled, kind, pure... my labor of love will not be completed in this life.  Because forever I will be in awe of the riches of your grace, not the riches of my obedience.  So be it!  May Your grace be enough and may You receive my offering of a life that seeks to magnify your goodness!

Quieted,

Sheila

On the fear of God and the sea

" 'Do you not fear Me?' says the LORD. 'Will you not tremble at My presence, who have placed the sand as the bound of the sea, by a perpetual decree, that it cannot pass beyond it? And though its waves toss to and fro, yet they cannot prevail; though they roar, yet they cannot pass over it.'... Behold, a people comes from the north country, and a great nation will be raised from the farthest parts of the earth. They will lay hold on bow and spear; they are cruel and have no mercy; their voice roars like the sea; and they ride on horses, as men of war set in array against you, O daughter of Zion." (Jeremiah 5:22, 6:22-23)

I've been reading through Jeremiah. Whoa! Or I should say Woe! Woe is me, for I am a woman who has feared man not God. The heartcry of the true and Living God in Jeremiah is:

Cursed is the man who trusts in man and makes flesh his strength, whose heart departs from the LORD. For he shall be like a shrub in the desert, and shall not see when good comes, but shall inhabit the parched places in the wilderness, in a a salt land which is not inhabited.

Blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD, and whose hope is the LORD. For he shall be like a tree planted by the waters, which spreads out its roots by the river, and will not fear when heat comes; but its leaf will be green, and will not be anxious in the year of drought, nor will cease from yeilding fruit. (Jeremiah 17:5-8)

It is not some great wall I've built to keep the waves of sin and the enemy from overtaking me that keep them out... it is simply the Word of God. Just as it is not a mighty wall that man built which keeps the oceans from over taking the land, but simply the Word of God.

Think about that. Think about the beach. It's sand there. Flat, smooth, sand. There is nothing keeping the oceans back. There is nothing to keep the roaring waves from engulfing the coast except the word of the Unseen God who says to the oceans, "Stop there, at the pitiful little grains of sand. Stop there." He is also the God who says, "Flood! Rush in! Overtake! Drown the coast!"

In my life I must not make flesh my strength. If I do, God may say, "Flood!" just to remind me that it is not my strength which keeps back the terror of the enemy and the destruction of sin in my life, but it is simply His word.

This is why I must obey His word. It's His word that is holding back the enemy and sin from dominating me. It is not self-righteousness to obey God's word to me, it's fearing Him. It's trusting Him. It's believing He keeps the oceans back by His word.

The enemy is cruel and shows no mercy. His voice roars like the sea out there while God's word holds him back. I can hear his roars and I must rest in God's word which commands him to stay where he is. I can hear his roars and I must not depart from the LORD and begin to think because I'm doing some thing I think is good or strong or honorable in the eyes of men that I am keeping the ocean of sin and the cruel enemy. I must also not think just because I see nothing seperating me (the sand) from the enemy (the ocean) that I can do whatever I want. God's word is holding destruction back from me and so I must walk in the Word. His grace and mercy has covered my sins and drowned them in the sea. I died with Him (the Word made flesh) on the cross. It's not my flesh holding the enemy back... my flesh died with Christ. I can't just do what I want... I'm dead in Christ. The only life, the only strength I have is in His life.

Oh let me walk in such fear in my stay here. There is a sea of sin and an ocean of cruel enemies ready and willing to overtake me if the God who holds them back says, "Okay." He is a patient God. He is a merciful God. He is the God who laid down His life for me. So let me not test Him. Let me not trample His grace underfoot. Let me say, "You are good and You are all that is keeping destruction from me, therefore I will trust in You and in Your instructions to me. Let the enemy roar. Let him threaten, for You who died for me have held him back."

Isaiah 51:3