Sunday summary

(photo credit)

Every Sunday when I get to go to church I leave with something from God's word pressing on me.  Every time.  But I don't always sit down and spend some time chewing on what struck me.  Being involved in a community group helps cause every Thursday our group talks about how the sermon impacted each of us.  I don't want to wait till Thursday.

Today we heard from Psalm 32.  I've read this Psalm before but this time around I discovered treasure that's been right there all along.

If I had to summarize the Psalm in a 140 character or less tweet it would be:

"Godly people sin, run to Christ, confess it and rejoice in his forgiveness. The time between sin and confession crushes. - Click to TWEET

Listening to my pastor Jason preach the truth out of Psalm 32 had me marveling at how we miss the gospel of Jesus Christ with our attempts at covering our own sin.  I shouldn't say "we".  I do that.  My human, broken heart and mind keep trying to avoid the reality of my sin.  And not just mine, I want to avoid the reality of other people's sin too.  I don't want to take up my cross and follow Jesus and suffer because of other people's sins!  I mean, my natural self doesn't want to.  But Jesus is in me. And he's moving in me to will and to act like him.  God-like. Godly.  I'm one of his "godly" ones.  I had a hard time typing that.  But it's true.  I'm one of his godly ones, not because I don't sin, but because I do and I run to Jesus with it and call it what he calls it.  And when other people sin, I don't hold it against them.  That doesn't mean I don't believe in justice or laws.  It just means I don't make myself their personal judge.  I don't compare my sin to their sin and condemn them according to my self-made version of righteousness. And when I do, I feel the conviction of being unforgiving and I run to Jesus and confess it.

And that space between sinning and running to Christ to confess it is crushing!  The longer I wait and the more I try to hide and cover what I know is sin, the more I feel the crushing weight of the guilt and shame Christ bore for me.  I can't bear that.  And I can't hide from it.  The only way to escape is through the covering of Christ.  He bore my guilt and shame in his body so that I could bear his righteousness and joy in mine!  What love!

This is what the Psalm says godly people do.  It doesn't say they don't drink and don't smoke and don't go with girls who do.  It doesn't say they read their Bible a minimum of so many hours a day and wake up before dawn for "quiet time" with God.  Godly people run to Christ as the covering for their sin rather than trying to cover it themselves.

My pastor summed it up so well when he said, "We're not meant to hide our sins from God.  We're meant to hide ourselves in God."

The wonder of what the God of the Bible has done for those who love Christ is what makes me run to him.

1 Blessed is the one whose transgression is forgiven,

whose sin is covered.

2 Blessed is the man against whom the Lord counts no iniquity,

and in whose spirit there is no deceit.

3 For when I kept silent, my bones wasted away

through my groaning all day long.

4 For day and night your hand was heavy upon me;

my strength was dried up as by the heat of summer.

Selah

5 I acknowledged my sin to you,

and I did not cover my iniquity;

I said, "I will confess my transgressions to the Lord,"

and you forgave the iniquity of my sin.

Selah

6 Therefore let everyone who is godly

offer prayer to you at a time when you may be found;

surely in the rush of great waters,

they shall not reach him.

7 You are a hiding place for me;

you preserve me from trouble;

you surround me with shouts of deliverance.

-Psalm 32:1-7

Reset

Sometimes my computer freezes. That terrible rainbow wheel turns round and round and there's nothing I can do to get out of the screen I'm in, I just have to reach over and hold that power button until I manually turn off the computer. I wait a few minutes and turn it back on and usually all the same screens pop up, but at least then I can sort through them and pick the ones I want to get out of without the wheel of death stopping me.

Something like that has happened with me this past few weeks.  It's time to push the reset button.  For me that's turning off the frozen thought process and taking in truth.  Bible truth.

Feelings are by no means a guide, but they are a sensor.  The fire alarm in my house has a sensor that causes an alarm to go off when there's too much of an unseen, unsmelled deadly gas in the house.  When my feelings set off a depression-alarm in me I realize I'm taking in some toxic breath.  Lately I've been feeling poisoned and truth, like strong breath of clear air is the anti venom.

I care too much about people's estimation of me.  Shouldn't I care?  Isn't a good reputation important?  I thought this as I was getting in my car after work the other day replaying a conversation I had with a co-worker.  I argued in my head, "Isn't it important to have a good reputation?"  And I heard that still, small voice that breaks cedars whisper to my heart, "Are you concerned with what people think of you, or what people think of Me because of you?"  Suddenly it was clear as day.  My concern about what other think of me is perverted from the way God made it to be.  I was made a God-Image-Bearer.  I was made to magnify His nature.  I was made to glorify His attributes.  I was made to reflect His beauty.  My reputation is important, not because it matters what people think of me, but it matters what people think of HIM because of me.

This tipped off an avalanche of my missed-the-mark-ness cascading down the mountain of my unbelief.   And when it all came crashing down in my mind, and I sat there buried under the weight of my own sin- I struggled to find that breath of fresh air.  All I could do was cry, "No matter what, you are worthy my praise.  Even if I can't figure out how to get past all this, or what to do with all the alarms going off in my heart, I know one thing.  You are good.  And you do good.  And your judgements are right.  Always.  And you are merciful.  And you are worth my mouth physically opening and giving you thanks and praise even if I'm buried under a mountain of unbelief!"

That's all it takes.  Reset.  "Whoever calls upon the name of the Lord will be saved."  Run to Him.  Not away from Him.  "The Lord is my strong tower.  A fortress."  "He is my hiding place."  "Those who run to him will be saved."

But then comes a time to turn the thing back on.  To go back out into the battle.  Once He's restored my thinking,  He shows me what went wrong and gives me the prescription to deal with my enemies: covetousness (which is idolatry), bitterness (which defiles many), greed (an insatiable desire for more- in my instance not of stuff but of recognition).  Yuck!  Ugh!  The remedy:  Confess.  Say what the Truth-teller says about it.  And sing.  He is worthy no matter what!  This will drive out the slick-talking Worm-Tongue who poisons the minds of so many.

So, since I've publicly wanted the glory, I must publicly give it to the One it belongs to.

Here's what He says.  He's right.  This is the root that's sprung up poisonous tentacles all over my nearly numb heart:

I've wanted Ann's life, my whole life.  Not the struggle she had to go through to get there, just the farm, and the family, the schooling and the writing.  I've coveted what I don't have.

I've wanted Carolyn's life.  Elizabeth's life.  Amy's life.  And I've tried to take make my life like theirs.  Well, that's just following a role-model isn't it?  If it was just the character with which they faced adversity that I wanted, or the way they've walked by faith, then yes.  That would be noble.  But I wanted the circumstances.  If I could just have their circumstances I would be happy.  Life would be the way it should be.  And I could enjoy life.  So I worked at making their circumstances mine through pressure, force and manipulation.  And when that didn't work, I surrendered to what I didn't want and looked up at God with a closed-fist and cried bitterly, "Why?!  I wanted good things!  Why?!"

I am Mara, Naomi's self-given name.  I saw God as responsible for my circumstances and because He wouldn't get off the throne and let my wants reign when I wanted them too I saw Him as harsh and withdrew from His hiding place into my own self-made walls.  I shut my lips from offering the sacrifice of thanks and started spewing out the poison of bitterness.  Mostly to my own husband.

My lament became a complaint against God, but I didn't even realize it.  God is in control.  Not my husband.  Not me.  Not my parents.  No my job.  Not the economy.  Not the president.  He gives and He takes away, blessed be the name of the Lord!

So now that He's swept through and the toxic fumes of bitterness have cleared out and I can see the root of my bitterness: covetousness and greed, now what?

Wall building.  Not self-made.  Obedience-made.  One brick of obedience at a time.  I'm far from a Titus 2 woman.  I'm far from Ann's farm, or Carolyn's marriage, or Elizabeth's missionary adventures, or Amy's orphan-rescuing life.  I'm alien to the Proverbs 31 wife.  My circumstances are very un-glamorous.  And I can't handle the public attention these women have been given.  I want it too much.  My walls are torn down because of my own self-destructive hands- hands that have tried to hold on to my own planned-out life and have lost it.  And if God grants me the grace and covers me with His mercy- oh please let me Lord for my life means nothing if it doesn't bring you glory!- I will begin the Nehemiah-sized task of rebuilding a life that brings Him glory.  No circumstances can keep me from laying up bricks of virtue as laid out for me in scripture.  This is a heart work, not a circumstance work.

Oh please let me Lord, please help me like Ezra as I have set my heart to re-learn your Word and to do it and then to seed-plant it in another! You have shown me such mercy!  You have not treated me as my sins deserve!  You have born the consequence of all my perversion of Your image in me.  You, the most true, the most kind, the most pure, the most good, the most right, the most gentle, the most strong, the most meek, the most powerful, the most knowing Person ever and true God all the time... it is YOU I have marred and wronged... even when I'm not trying to.  I've twisted Your nature.  I've maligned Your goodness.  I've perverted Your character!  Nothing anyone has ever done or will ever do to me- no set of circumstances I have or could ever deem as messed-up could ever be more wrong to me than I have been to you.  Actually all my messed up circumstances and the messed up people in my life who have hurt me reflect me pretty well.  I'm messed up and they hurt me because, like me they're messed up. But you are not messed up and I am.  And I'm supposed to reflect you!

Woe is me!  I am undone!!!  Yet even still, with what grace, with what mercy you lift me out of this self-made dung heap and stand me on my feet.  You call me what I am not.  You promise me what I haven't earned or deserved.  You are good through and through!  And so, what's a cracked-pot like me to do?  All I can do is let your treasure shine.  You, the Light of the World, in ME?!  Me.  Yes.  Through brokenness.  I have enough of that.

And as though that wouldn't be enough, You even call me to move as your strength moves me to rebuild your glory in me.  I want to do it.  You deserve it!  Help me not to grow weary in that good work of loving a husband and children, managing my home, reaching out to others, voluntarily getting behind my husband as I trust You to lead through him, being self-controlled, kind, pure... my labor of love will not be completed in this life.  Because forever I will be in awe of the riches of your grace, not the riches of my obedience.  So be it!  May Your grace be enough and may You receive my offering of a life that seeks to magnify your goodness!

Quieted,

Sheila

Shadows and Mysteries

I was at a county courthouse today. Not a place I usually spend any time. In fact, except for filing for a legal separation almost exactly two years ago today, I'm never there. Today I was there to file a motion to vacate the order of legal separation.

In that quiet, rigid building I felt like a cloud about to pour out its rain.  I didn't cry until I got to the car.  In the building I felt like a little girl following the instructions of a tall police man or principal at school.  I did what I was supposed to do to make it right, legally.  While I was waiting in line, I overheard a silver-headed woman say with a smile to the silver-headed man sitting next her, "Now's your chance to back out."  I figured they must be there to get a marriage license.  A few minutes later, when they were called to the window, I heard the woman say, "Yes, we're here to get a marriage license." The man next to her looked eager and content.

I believe marriage is a mystery and a shadow that speaks of more than two people in love.  In fact, I believe all human relationships are not about the people involved... they are about God.  They reveal something about the One who created them.  The marriage relationship is about God in a very special way in that it reveals the mysterious relationship God the Son has with His Called-Out-Ones.

What we do at the courthouse is a way of honoring marriage.  Its not something we can just... do.  There's an appeal to authority involved.  In some places that's the county courthouse, in some places its the patriarch of the family, or a tribe leader.  If there's an end to be made to the marriage, there's a difficult process involved.  I'm glad there is a heavy fee and a lot of legal paperwork involved in separation and divorce. I don't say that to pour salt in the wounds of divorce or separation.  I have those wounds.  I'm just saying, the fact that its legally a hassle and costly is just a little bit of evidence that marriages aren't meant to be torn apart.  Because that's just what happens... you get torn apart.

I wish I could take back the past 3 years.  I'm so eternally thankful I can have full confidence that Christ has already bought it back for me.  For He works ALL things together for good for those who love Him and are called according to His purpose, that He might conform us to the image of His Son.  (Romans 8:28-29 my paraphrase)

Marriage is His.  I want to magnify Him with it!  I may not get to keep it, but on my part I want to build it up for His glory.

So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate. -Matthew 19:6

"Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh."  This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church.- Ephesians 5:32-33

The wisest of women builds her house, but folly with her own hands tears it down. -Proverbs 14:1

Quieted,

Sheila

Oh happy day!

Came back from my morning walk and had this song pop in my head.  Nothing like a little Aretha singing the good news to wake you up right!

I took the boys to West Fork Trail today, north of Sedona.  It was a beautiful day!  Fall leaves.  Lots of color.  Cool breeze.  Good day!

After all that hiking in the dirt, I came home with the most disgusting, dirty feet.  (I was wearing sandals.)  I gave 'em a good scrub and besides being swollen (the curse of varicose veins and poor peripheral circulation in my family), their good as new now. 

I had to stop at the laver today on the way home and get my spiritual feet washed.  Walking thru my days, beautiful as some have been, has left me dirty. 

Jesus said to him, "The one who has bathed does not need to wash, except for his feet, but is completely clean... When he had washed their feet and put on his outer garments and resumed his place, he said to them, "Do you understand what I have done to you?" - John 13:10,12

If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. - 1 John 1:9

Quieted,

Sheila