how Christians can be like any other spiritual person and how they can stand out different

James and I spent most of yesterday and this morning in historic Jerome, Arizona.  We stayed at the Surgeon's House, a bed and breakfast run by a very sweet lady named Andrea.  

The 100 year old Surgeon's house used to be the headquarters for nurses working for the local hospital before it was used as home of the chief surgeon at the hospital in the 1930's.  The house and town have quite the history.  I've never stayed at a bed and breakfast so I have nothing to compare it to, but this is most definitely the best experience I have ever had in staying at a hotel or resort.  You don't go to the Surgeon's house to stay overnight.  You go to retreat into quiet rooms and gardens full of comfy seats, art, books, plants, Koi fish, the sound of water falling, and the views of the entire valley and red-rock features on the horizon.  You go to walk the switchback, uphill streets of Jerome, visit quaint shops and historic sites (which are everywhere) and come back to a quiet home with open doors and the aroma of freshly baked goodies waiting for you.  It was honestly the best experience I've ever had for a getaway.  Which I've only done once or twice in the last 24 years, and never without kids.

Being there, and speaking with Andrea- who I took to be an odd but very nice spiritualist/mystic 60 something woman at her mention of being blessed by "Mother Earth" and her reference to her past life as a mermaid (she wasn't joking), energy fields, "Darma" and the tattoo of a moon and star on her forehead as well as the Nag Champa incense burning in the dining room- stirred up some thinking about my life as a Christian and as a wife. 

Andrea was a perfect hostess.  She was hospitable, warm, accommodating and an amazing cook!  You really couldn't ask for much better.  The only thing I didn't like was the smell of the Nag Champa.  But any who, as we were leaving today I was thinking about how nice this lady was who obviously did not worship Christ.  I thought about how people loved going to her place and how kind she was.  How was she different than a what Christ calls us to be?  

I'm not talking about doctrine (obviously Mother Earth and her past life as a mermaid don't line up with our Triune God and the hope of resurrection we have because of Christ and his atoning work on the cross).  I'm talking about how she deals with people's sin... even her own.  This nice woman is going about her business in a very high-quality way.  But the thought crossed my mind, "What does she do with people's sin in her life?  What is her response to the sin of others against her and the things about her she knows are shameful and wrong?" The difference between a nice woman like this who's into spirituality and such, and a woman (or man) who has been captured by the love of Christ and is in the process of being conformed to his image is the way they respond to sin.  Andrea had created quite the sanctuary for herself and the guests she chose to allow into her home at a price.  But what did she do with sin?

We Christians could be like Andrea, and our claims about Christ wouldn't seem to be anything more than another kind of spirituality.  We can go about our lives, trying to create a comfortable place/space/life for ourselves and only allow in those we choose at a price (they have to make it worth it to let them in, i.e. make our lives easier/more comfortable/richer).  But Christ in us wouldn't be seen.  His unique claims to being the Way, the Truth and the Life and the only way to know God and be in a peaceful, loving relationship with him would be muted by our "nice" lives.  The only way we stand out in the world of "good" religion or "nice" spiritualism, even atheistic moralism, is by the way we respond to sin.  

I tried explaining my thinking to my husband on the way home while we were discussing Andrea's spirituality.  I said, "The way Christianity tells of God is that God, who has everything and is in the highest place of honor, lowered himself to lift up others.  Other religions and spiritualism has to isolate itself from others to seem nice and attractive.  They don't go get low into peoples lives and let the messes those people have fall on them and love them through it, bearing it and dealing with it in love."  I thought about how when you look at the world and the people who are going to the hard places and the poor places and the dangerous places, it's mostly Christians.  Not people like sweet Andrea.  People like Andrea go to places like Sedona and Jerome and let people seek out their "enlightened" way of thinking.   And we Christians can be just religious-right conservative versions of Andrea if we don't put our Christianity rubber to the road of people's messed up sinful lives.  

We don't have to go to Africa to do it either.  Although we may.  If we're married we have a sinful person to take up our crosses and following Jesus in loving daily.  How we deal with the sin in the lives of the ones we've vowed to stay with until death do us part is one area where we can let Christ in us be seen as something totally other, different... holy.  Christ died bearing our sins.  He calls us to take up our cross and follow him daily.  Christians die daily to see others freed from slavery to sin.  

The Christian doesn’t hide from sin. He runs to it. In love. To die bearing it. In the Spirit of Christ who paid for it. So many try to train, tolerate or ignore people’s sin. Christians run to people in their sin in the Spirit of the One who bore it.

So driving home, I thought about Andrea, and my Christian life, and looked at my world-weary husband, laden with a load of sin and shame as he drove us home.  It's not a nice marriage I'm running for here.  It's his freedom.  

eyes on the Author- the every morning struggle to walk by faith

I don't wake up full of vision and motivation.  Actually, what motivates me most is the idea that my french press and single-origin coffee from Guatemala are just minutes away from awaking my senses with it's warm, toasty aroma.  And on those days when I get my stiff, puffy-eyed body out of bed and make my way to the cabinet to prep the press with my favorite coffee and find we're out, I feel great motivation to get dressed and drive to the local store so I can hurry up and get back home before too much time has passed and get my coffee going.

Basically, coffee motivates me to get up in the morning.

Mixed in the grogginess between eyes open and that first cup of coffee I remember who I am.

I am not my own.  I am a Christian.  The weight of meaning in that word falls on me like gravity on the fledgling attempts of a young eagle to fly every morning.

I feel myself falling.  Falling. Squawking out a cry, "Help!  Help Lord!  I am yours. Let me hear your loving kindness in the morning lest I be like those who go down to the pit!"  Sometimes sooner, sometimes later, but never failing, my faithful Helper and Friend, my God, my Father, the one who made me a Christian and bought me out of slavery to the law of sin and death, he swoops down and lifts me up on his everlasting wings.

He's teaching me to fly.  To soar on wings like eagles.  To walk and not grow weary.  To run the race set before me as a woman finding her identity in Christ, as wife to James in a difficult marriage, as a mother raising men, in a community and time full of the "treasures of Egypt".  And when he finally lifts me up I see the wonder of who He is and what He's done and what He's doing in me, I can face the day.

I don't always get a chance to reflect on the truth of what God has done in calling me his own daughter like today.  Usually the day marches on and I struggle to fix my eyes on the One who wrote this story. He's the author of my faith, and since he is, he's also the one who will finish the story he started in me.  He's not an inconsistent blogger or an aspiring writer.  He's the author of life, and the writer of faith, and the one who began this good work in me.  And he will be faithful to complete it.

Every morning the struggle is real.  And that's no cliche.  I need to get my eyes on Jesus every morning and remember who I am, and the promise that He who began this good work in me will be faithful to complete it.  I need to remember that God gave me life in Christ and I am destined to be with him forever.  I need to remember because I'm called to die daily.  I'm called to follow Jesus in taking up my cross daily.  I'm not here for my best life now.  My life is not all about me and getting all the pleasure and comfort and ease I can squeeze out of the day and people in my world.  I'm a Christian, my best life is already and not yet.  I taste it here in every little resurrection, when I deny bitterness and embrace forgivenesss, when I deny ease and choose serving, when I feel the sorrow and the pain of my own sin and others' sins and rejoice in the promise that the One I love, who I have never seen, He will make all things new.

If I could just get my eyes on the Author today I'll be OK.

"...let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith," - Hebrews 12:1-2

thoughts from a Mother's Day Sunday

Yesterday being Mother's Day, me being a mom and a having a mom and knowing moms and women who long to be moms and/or grieve the loss of their children, it was a day full of thoughts turned prayers.

Yesterday also being the last Sunday in a series on marriage at my church, and me being married and knowing firsthand the unique kinds of trials marriage brings, it was a day of reflection turned worship.

About a week ago I read Psalm 27 and it grabbed me.  I've been mulling it over ever since.  One particular verse has me thinking about my one thing.

One thing have I asked of the Lord,
that will I seek after:
that I may dwell in the house of the Lord
all the days of my life,
to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord
and to inquire in his temple.

What's the one thing I am asking God for and seeking after?  One thing.  Mostly its been for my marriage.  Or my kids.  The two things yesterday hit on.  When I read Psalm 27 I hear the writer exclaiming that in the midst of fearful troubles and rejections, his one thing was a triune request: To be in God's presence all his life, to see the beauty of God and to be able to talk with God and may requests of him.  If I'm honest at first reading I feel like that's just out of reach.  How can I say my one thing is all about God when my kids are struggling and I'm exhausted and my marriage is so troubled?  How could the Psalmist say this when danger and fears and rejection by his own parents surrounded him?

As I listened yesterday to the preaching of the message that God has ransomed us from slavery to sin and idolatry, like Hosea ransomed Gomer, the mental image of the Son of God crying out, "I buy you back!  I buy you with my own life!" while I was shamefully sold-out to sin flashed through my mind. I heard 1 Corinthians 6:19-20, "Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body."

And then Psalm 27 started making more sense.  There's only one thing I really need in the midst of fears and suffering: Christ.  If he didn't buy me back to God I would never be able to run to him as a refuge.  I wouldn't be able be in his presence daily or see his endless beauty or talk with him and seek his answer.

In the midst of parenting trials and marriage troubles, where fears and the pain of betrayal and rejection and sins threaten to destroy, the one thing I need more than anything is Christ.  And when I lift my eyes off this storm around me and believe the promise that he his with me, and dwell on the beauty of his glory, and seek his face and his counsel, everything is set right.  The storm may rage, but with the psalmist I can say:

I believe that I shall look upon the goodness of the Lord
in the land of the living!
Wait for the Lord;
be strong, and let your heart take courage;
wait for the Lord!

An Unlikely 23 Years

 Wedding Day- Sept.4, 1993

Connor's birthday- April 1, 2003

During our first separation and pregnancy with Ryland- November 2004

Seeking a new start in Arizona all together- October 2005

 Second separation March 2010

Still together on a desert trail- Spring 2015

Today has been a tough day, emotionally.

Twenty three years ago today I made a vow before God and about 100 family and friends to take James as my husband, to have and to hold from that day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and health, till death do us part.

Those are some serious promises.  Better, worse, richer and poorer, sickness and health have all been part of these 23 years.  Honestly, most of it has been hard.  We weren't a very likely match at 19 and 21.  He from the big city, me from a small town.  His dad a pharmacist, mine a log truck driver.  We met in a child development class, taking pre-reqs for nursing.  He hated it.  I loved it.  He had long hair and torn jeans and loved Journey.  I was on fire for Jesus after having decided to heed the call to follow him a year previous at 16.  He was raised as a Catholic, but more as tradition than devotion and by his teen years religion was not on his radar at all.  He had already been in a very serious relationship and at it's end decided to move to Roseburg, Oregon from Phoenix, Arizona to take his dad up on his offer to pay for college as long as he lived at his house.  I had never had a true boyfriend.  I liked a couple of different boys, but that's about as far as it went.  One guy from my youth group at church was really trying to win me, but I thought of him as a good friend and not a boyfriend or potential husband.  And then I met James.

We had a few conversations during the breaks at our evening child development class at Umpqua Community College.  He teased and asked me to share my chocolate cake and wondered what kind of music I liked.  I thought he was handsome and talked about my favorite Christian artists and invited him to church.  He came.  He met my family, played basketball with my dad and brother, went to the beach and camping with my friends while I worked as a C.N.A. at an Alzheimer's facility, and on Easter Sunday he wrote me a love note.  I would say we started dating after that, but it really wasn't dating.  In fact, I think we only went on maybe one or two "dates" before we were married.  Most of our time together was spent at either my house or his dad's house, church or after work talks.

I was head over heels for James almost immediately after we became an official couple, but because of my convictions as a Christian, my relationship with him between April of '92 and September of '93 was stormy and full of indecision, conviction, guilt and desire.  I knew, after 8 months of hanging out with each other that we did not share the same desires in life, but the desire to be with him and the dream of being married and on my own and having my own family overtook my conviction that we were not heading the same direction in life.  Storming around my dreams, desires and convictions, the emotions of that time made it very hard to discern what I just wrote.  If you were to have asked me then how I felt about James and marrying him, I would have said I loved him and believed we would grow together.  I was naive to say the least.  On Christmas of 1992, the same year I graduated from high school, James proposed to me and I accepted.  On Labor Day of 1993 we were married at the church I grew up in.

In the past 23 years we both have come face to face with the reality that we want different things in life.  Through 2 separations and the birth of 2 sons we're still married.  I'm sure that means something different to him than it means to me.

Over these 23 years I've learned that life is not about me, it's not about my marriage, it's about Christ.  The trials and fires of this unequally bound relationship have caused me to wrestle with God, ask hard questions, face hard answers and no answers, and come to grips with what I really believe.  I believe I can't really know who I am, or why I am or what marriage is, or how relationships work best until I know God in Christ.  I believe marriage is his creation and has little to do with romance and anniversary presents and wedding rings and much to do with displaying how Christ has self-sacrificingly and faithfully loved his people.

I believe happiness in marriage ebbs and flows.  I believe in toughing it out when everyone says you shouldn't stay in a marriage where you're not happy.  Every married person is not happy with their partner at some point.  It's inevitable. We're human.

I met a couple at work the other day who have been married 59 years.  While talking with them about the significance of that, the wife said she didn't believe it was good to stay married if you weren't happy.  I was taken back.  Here was an 80 something year old woman who had endured 59 years with a real man (not a contrived romantic ideal as seen on t.v.) telling me a person who isn't happy shouldn't stay married.  In my surprise I asked, "I bet you're glad you didn't give up on this marriage when you weren't happy somewhere in those 59 years or you wouldn't be sharing with me the achievement of being married this long?"  She conceded and admitted there were unhappy times, but that they were too broke to afford a divorce then.  She was glad of that now.

We've looked divorce in the eye a couple of times in these 23 years,  I'd be lying if I didn't say those eyes were alluring and I still catch a seductive glance from them now and then.  I can't say with pride that I'm a woman of my word and I made a vow and I'm going to keep it.  Nor can I say that I am doing it for the kids or grinning and bearing it.  So what's keeping us together?  I can't speak for James, but for me, it's love.  Real love.  The kind that is happy to make the beloved happy and hurts when the beloved hurts.  The kind that endures brokenness and offense and strives for forgiveness and reconciliation because it wants to be close to the beloved.  I wouldn't know this kind of love were it not for Christ.  I've looked around and have seen a few other examples of "love" in the world.  None compare to the love of Christ.  And his love is in me.  And I love James.  It's that love that binds that vow I made before God through every minute of every year with him like flesh and bone and vessels.  We were James Dougal and Sheila Deane.  And God made us one.  We are bound to each other through this life and it's the love of Christ that binds.

With all that in my heart every day,  I woke up today and faced the hard reality of Sundays:  I love to gather with Christ's local church and worship him together and receive his heralded word and my husband does not.  And, at this point, neither do my kids.  My oldest is more vocal and defiant about it right now.  My youngest goes cause he wants to be with mom.  This is a deep ache in my heart that spurns a constant pleading with God for salvation to come to this house.

So it was an emotional day.  My husband worked in the yard.  Connor metal detected for coins in the yard.  Ryland worked on a school project.   My eyes were heavy with hot tears all day and they spilled out a lot while I sang to Jesus at church and drove between errands alone.  I read a Psalm today that defines what I long for in this 23 year old unlikely marriage and precious family:

Oh magnify the Lord with me, and let us exalt his name together! -Psalm 34:11

Quieted,

Sheila

Road trip day #1

Today after church we began our annual road trip to "Oregon"... We always say that but really it's initially a road trip to Redding, CA where my sister lives. Eventually we get to Oregon.

In the past, I'd wake the kids early in the morning, load them in the car, and we make it closer to Sacramento before stopping for the night. But since we didn't get on the road till about noon, after church, I decided to stop for the night in Thousand Oaks, CA.

I like Thousand Oaks. Everything grows here! Only the Santa Monica Mountains separate us from the Pacific Ocean. I wanted to go to the beach tonight but I'm just toast. Working night shift Friday night and then getting up early this morning has my body pretty fatigued. I plan to go to the beach either in the morning with the boys or on the way back home to AZ on Thursday.

I love road trips! There's just something about the open road. I guess I like the feeling that I'm going somewhere. Sometimes life feels like you're going nowhere. When you're on the road, you're going somewhere.

I'm glad I stayed for church this morning. I needed to get my compass pointed the right direction before I hit the road. It's hard to hear the preacher preach on a subject that is a specific point of sin in your own life. As I listened today, I wondered if this is how folks feel when they hear a sermon on divorce after they've gone through one- or more- themselves. It's hard, but it's good.

I'm confident not a single person who's gone through a divorce would hear a sermon on what God has joined together let no one separate and be opposed to what they heard. They, in fact, would probably be the first to stand up and say, "Amen!" They know the pain themselves. They know the damage. They know God hates divorce. They know... they hate it too. The same goes for the woman, who married an unbelieving man, who listens to the pastor preach from Ezra 9 and 2 Corinthians 6. Amen! The damage is extensive. There is no fellowship. The heart is drawn away from God, and then, when won back (if won back), is faced with the heartache of being separate in what God designed to be joined together.

During the sermon my oldest son looked over at me with a, "You're busted," look on his face. He knows. He grieves. He feels the ripping apart that comes with living with unequally yoked parents. Even though I hate it for my kids, I pray that the mercy and grace of my good God will use the pain they experience now to prevent them from going down the same path and cause them to love God's ways, which are good. All the time.

We'll talk about it tonight before we go to sleep.  Which is in about 30 minutes.  Time to sign off.

 Quieted,

Sheila

Rebuilding Ruins

In a job interview recently I was asked what I thought my three strengths were, along with my three weaknesses. I named for her two and then I told her the third: organization. But, I told her I actually only saw that as a strength because it really is a weakness that I fight to be "strong" in. People I work with now often comment about how organized I am and I always chuckle and think, "If they only knew how unorganized I feel!"

One of the ways I strive to be organized is list-writing.  Even that fails to help me if I don't look at it often.  I'm always working to keep structure and order and organization to my day.  I tend to drop off into the pit of procrastination and fall off the cliff of good intentions often.  Spiritually I have to remind myself often, even make lists, or write out in some way truths, lest I stop swimming upstream and relax my run in the race of faith in Christ and begin drifting with tide of the current zeitgeist in which I live.

I don't know what turned me on to reading Piper... I think I read a blog that mentioned a book a couple years ago.  But recently I've been really feeding on the encouragement and scripture coming out of the Desiring God blog.  I found these three lists last week.  I want to print them and frame them and read them every morning!

1.  Ten Resolutions For Mental Health:  My mind is like the ruined, but in process of being rebuilt Jerusalem of Nehemiah's day.  Sin's damage on the mind has manifest itself very obviously in my family genes and it hasn't skipped its warping effects in me.  If you see me and think I'm organized or any mentally healthy thing, say, "It's a wonder!  It's grace!"  Because that's all it is!   And my work isn't in earning that grace for my mental health, my fight is believing the truth that his grace brings to my mental health!  That's why I need to read these truths often and medicate my synapses with the Word of God! 

2.  Ten Big, Daily Reminders:  Reading this and the one above encouraged me:  I am not the only one who's mind is threatened every morning with forgetfulness.  If I don't stop and remember, in this convenient life I live, like God told Moses, I'll forget, and drift, and meander, letting life's current take me wherever it will.  I don't want to grow unbelieving and numb to the truth.

3. Seven Things to Pray For Your Children:  At my kids' school they don't give A, B, C, D and F's.  They give Exceeds, Meets, Approaches and Falls Far Below.  These "grades" show where they test compared to the state standard.  In prayer, I fall far below.  At times I am moved and have "fervent and effectual" prayers.  But most times my prayers are groans, and moans for help and cries.  Real tears and no words and hands in surrender and knees bent weak.  My hands fall down and my feeble knees are about to give way and then I read something like this article and I feel my Arron has come to lift my hands and my feeble knees have been strengthened. 

Sometimes I hear, in my own mind, what others might ask or say about the decisions I've made regarding my marriage.  I think some might wonder why.  Some might write me off as weak-minded or "codependent".  Some might think I'm doing my "religious duty".  Some might just scratch their heads and think I'm crazy.  Some might think I've made the wrong decision.  Some might think I've made the right one.  Others might think either way would have been right.  I stand facing the accusation that either way I would have been and will be wrong.  I'm sure these "some" and "others" are mostly the fiery darts of the enemy of my soul making their way into my ruined and burned down mental walls, trying to keep me from building up my faith by the grace He supplies for His glory.  And so I stand as I write this not aimed an any person but rather a taking up of my sword in one hand and my building tool in the other, pressing on to work with the power supplied me in Christ to bring him glory. 

Sword:  As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good, to bring it about that many people should be kept alive, as they are today.- Genesis 50:20

And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.  For God knew his people in advance, and he chose them to become like his Son, so that his Son would be the firstborn among many brothers and sisters. - Romans 8:28-29

"Haven't you read the Scriptures?" Jesus replied. "They record that from the beginning 'God made them male and female.And he said, 'This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.' Since they are no longer two but one, let no one split apart what God has joined together." - Matthew 19:4-6

My heart rejoices in the LORD! The LORD has made me strong. Now I have an answer for my enemies; I rejoice because you rescued me. No one is holy like the LORD! There is no one besides you; there is no Rock like our God. "Stop acting so proud and haughty! Don't speak with such arrogance! For the LORD is a God who knows what you have done; he will judge your actions.  The bow of the mighty is now broken, and those who stumbled are now strong.- 1 Samuel 2:1-4

Building tool: 

The wisest of women builds her house, but folly with her own hands tears it down.- Proverbs 14:1

It is good for me that I was afflicted, that I might learn your statutes.  - Psalm 119:72

In the same way, you wives must accept the authority of your husbands. Then, even if some refuse to obey the Good News, your godly lives will speak to them without any words. They will be won over by observing your pure and reverent lives. Don't be concerned about the outward beauty of fancy hairstyles, expensive jewelry, or beautiful clothes.You should clothe yourselves instead with the beauty that comes from within, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is so precious to God. This is how the holy women of old made themselves beautiful. They trusted God and accepted the authority of their husbands.For instance, Sarah obeyed her husband, Abraham, and called him her master. You are her daughters when you do what is right without fear of what your husbands might do.- 1 Peter 3:1-6

Brethren, I do not count myself to have apprehended; but one thing [I do], forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forward to those things which are ahead,  I press toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.  -Philippians 3:13-14

 Quieted,

Sheila

Three days into my flash-flood week

(My Music/Metal-Detecting Man and his sons)



I got up at 4 AM yesterday to *try* working out before going to work. I gave it a try. Unlike cleaning up my diet, changing my workout time to 4 AM had no beneficial effect other than feeling wide awake and ready to go at 5 AM. By 10, I was ready for a nap.


I really didn't think I'd wimp out that easy since I usually get up at 5, but I guess that one hour makes a huge difference.  Maybe if I gave it a good 2 weeks I'd get used to it, but I'm not gonna. 

So today I stopped at the gym after work.  That works better for me.  I just need to get in the habit of going after work.  Working out is not a stress-reliever for me... it's a stress builder.  I know lots of people say they work out as a release, but for me, working out is crimp in my plan- my plan to slow down, read, write, think, walk, breathe and write some more.   I work out for the same reason I brush my teeth and eat my veggies (actually I like to eat my veggies)... it's good for me.  It's definitely not my hobby.

From the moment I get in my car after church on Sunday the commencing week hits me like a flash flood.  Before I know it, it's Thursday and I've got no blog post to show for it. Smile.  I seriously feel like each day that I don't write I don't fully digest that day's benefits and lessons.

I've been thinking on these quotes:

Contempt is conceived with expectations.  Respect is conceived with expressions of gratitude.  We can choose which one we will obsess over- expectations, or thanksgivings.  That choice will result in a birth- and the child will be named either contempt, or respect. - Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas

Making someone else feel smaller so that we can feel larger is antithetical to the Christian faith, a complete rejection of the Christian virtues of humility, sacrifice, and service.  So often Jesus left the crowd to minister to the individual, while we rationalize leaving the individual- particularly our spouse- to curry favor with the crowd... If a man or woman is unrelentingly ambitious, willing to ignore or to sacrifice a spouse as they pursue their own agenda, they will almost undoubtedly be unrelentingly ambitious toward others as well, bringing them on board to serve their purposes, not to engage them in mutual kingdom service. - Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas

Well my world-weary Music Man is home from a 14 hour mentally-grueling day.  Now would be a good time to leave the crowd to minister to the one.

Quieted,

Sheila

What do you do when you don't have her life?

Like I said, a reset happened last week. A turning around.  Sometimes you have to go back to where you started.  Do the things you did at first to rekindle the smoldering flame.  And thank God He doesn't just put it out. 

I spilled messy feelings out to the Music Man yesterday.  I'm sure it all sounded worse than a thirteen year old's first blows on a saxophone.  Probably more like clanging symbols.  I had to get it out... it was festering in me.  "Something's got to change!"  I said.  "I can't keep going like this!"

She's right.  I don't get to make him love me like I want to be loved.  I don't get to make him listen or laugh or get it or just hold me.  I don't get to make my life the life I thought I'd have.  

I read her grace-writings frequently, and today's seemed to be the vessel through which He said, "I know you.  Let me love you the way I deem best."

I had already been thinking about it since I clamored out my noisy thoughts and feelings yesterday.  Ever since he looked at me and I'm sure he was thinking, "She'll never change,"  while I was looking at him realizing I had always come to him expecting him to change.  I realized I have wandered off.  I've got to return to that place where I fed on truth and grace and was infused with enthusiasm in serving my Lord.

So how can I serve Him when I don't have that life I dreamed of?

I've probably read every Christian wife-help book out there.  The Excellent Wife.  The Power of a Praying Wife.  Created to be His Helpmeet.  Feminine Appeal.  And probably some others I don't remember right now.  I've read these and have always been stumped as to how to take that mold and force my life into it.

I work full-time.  I have children in public school.  My music man and I are marching to different drummers.  The T.V. is on more than I want.  The dinner table is crank-your-neck-to-the-side-to-see-what's-on-T.V.-and-shove-the-food-in-your-face-as-fast-as-you-can time. There is no ministering to others coming out of this house, nor is there inviting others in.  There's too much YouTube and Internet browsing and video games.  There's a hiding to practice spiritual disciplines.  And there's a murmuring of hymns, lest they be sung out loud and call attention to differing drum beats... just to name some of my top I-don't-have-a-life-that-fits-into-the-Christian-household's-mold things.  And it's not like I can just busy myself and children with nature... we live in a 80 by 100 foot block walled square.  And the view out the window is shades of brown concrete and stucco.  Our history is scarred from separations and near divorces.  The hurt keeps coming back.  Again.  And again.  So how do I do this?  How do I serve Him in THIS life?

The answer is so obvious.  So right in front of me.  So me.  Me and my closed fist.  Me and my tight grip.  Me and my trying to force it.

If I want to gain my life I'm gonna have to open my grip on this one and let go.  That's the only way to follow Jesus no matter you're circumstances.  The only one who I can squeeze into the mold of scripture is me.

"Don't be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind." -Romans 12:2

Maybe you don't have a dream life.  Maybe you live in circumstances you wish were different.  Like Ann said, we don't get to write our stories.  But we do get to take what we've been given and make the ending a giving.  A giving of thanks.

I went back and read some of those words I wrote years ago when I was thinking on hope-filled truth and not the devastation.  I am ashamed at how far my heart has wondered away from my house of bread in my famine.  Instead of holding my ground and trusting, because He always provides, instead I let the way all the fish mindlessly floating downstream think become the way I think.  Rights.  Self-Exaltation.  Rights.  Self-Preservation.  Rights.  Self-Pleasing.  Rights.  Self-Comfort.  Rights.  Self-Esteem.  Rights.  This is the beat of the current that I stopped swimming against in my mind. I let myself drift in its steady flow towards a dead sea.  I was taking on D.H. Lawrence's poisonous motto, "with should and ought I shall have nothing to do!"

But He's got my attention.  He's called me back.  I've heard again how He's provided, as He always does, for His own.  I've returned to His table.  I've eaten of His bread.

You don't get to change anyone Sheila.  You just get to be changed. 

"What if God didn't design marriage to be "easier"?  What if God had an end in mind that went beyond our happiness, our comfort, and our desire to be infatuated and happy as if the world were a perfect place?  What if God designed marriage to make us holy  more than to make us happy?  What if, as de Sales hints, we are to accept the 'bitter juice' because out of it we may learn to draw the resources we need with which to make the 'honey of a holy life'?" - Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas

55. my music man encouraging entrepreneurship
56. the orange sunset
57. the promise to use my mess to mold me into the image of the Son

Quieted,

Sheila

Shadows and Mysteries

I was at a county courthouse today. Not a place I usually spend any time. In fact, except for filing for a legal separation almost exactly two years ago today, I'm never there. Today I was there to file a motion to vacate the order of legal separation.

In that quiet, rigid building I felt like a cloud about to pour out its rain.  I didn't cry until I got to the car.  In the building I felt like a little girl following the instructions of a tall police man or principal at school.  I did what I was supposed to do to make it right, legally.  While I was waiting in line, I overheard a silver-headed woman say with a smile to the silver-headed man sitting next her, "Now's your chance to back out."  I figured they must be there to get a marriage license.  A few minutes later, when they were called to the window, I heard the woman say, "Yes, we're here to get a marriage license." The man next to her looked eager and content.

I believe marriage is a mystery and a shadow that speaks of more than two people in love.  In fact, I believe all human relationships are not about the people involved... they are about God.  They reveal something about the One who created them.  The marriage relationship is about God in a very special way in that it reveals the mysterious relationship God the Son has with His Called-Out-Ones.

What we do at the courthouse is a way of honoring marriage.  Its not something we can just... do.  There's an appeal to authority involved.  In some places that's the county courthouse, in some places its the patriarch of the family, or a tribe leader.  If there's an end to be made to the marriage, there's a difficult process involved.  I'm glad there is a heavy fee and a lot of legal paperwork involved in separation and divorce. I don't say that to pour salt in the wounds of divorce or separation.  I have those wounds.  I'm just saying, the fact that its legally a hassle and costly is just a little bit of evidence that marriages aren't meant to be torn apart.  Because that's just what happens... you get torn apart.

I wish I could take back the past 3 years.  I'm so eternally thankful I can have full confidence that Christ has already bought it back for me.  For He works ALL things together for good for those who love Him and are called according to His purpose, that He might conform us to the image of His Son.  (Romans 8:28-29 my paraphrase)

Marriage is His.  I want to magnify Him with it!  I may not get to keep it, but on my part I want to build it up for His glory.

So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate. -Matthew 19:6

"Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh."  This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church.- Ephesians 5:32-33

The wisest of women builds her house, but folly with her own hands tears it down. -Proverbs 14:1

Quieted,

Sheila

Sunday Stories

I heard this story the other day on the radio about a woman who was boarding a plane:

A woman was in a hurry to get to her plane from the airport shop she was in, so she grabbed a bag of cookies and a magazine, hurried to her gate and got to her seat.  

Once the plane was in the air she pulled out her magazine and reached for one of her cookies in the magazine pouch in front of her.  A second later, the man sitting next to her reached forward and grabbed a cookie out of the same bag.  The woman was shocked and looked at him with dismay, wondering at the audacity of this perfect stranger eating her cookies without so much as asking.  She reached forward, looking straight at him the entire time as though to say, "These are mine!", and took two cookies.  Immediately the man reached forward, took the last cookie, split it in half and offered half to her.  She couldn't believe it.  She yanked the cookie out of his hand, shaking her head at him.  She sat silently the rest of the flight, stewing inside about this rude stranger who ate her cookies.  

When the plane landed, she got up and dusted the cookie crumbs off her shirt, grabbed her purse to leave, and noticed her bag of cookies, unopened in her purse.  She was mortified!  She looked at the man who smiled humorously at her and said, "Have a nice day!"  She had eaten HIS bag of cookies thinking the entire time that she had the right to be angry with the man.  And he had graciously let her eat his cookies.

I really don't know what's going on.  I think I know.  In fact, I'm insensed sometimes because I'm quite certain the other person is flat wrong.  But in reality I am probably missing something.  I might even be the one in the wrong.  Therefore I can lighten up and show the same mercy to the one I'm convinced is doing me wrong as I want them to give me when it turns out I've been the one doing the wrong.

Marriage is a good place to put this into practice.  Its so easy (in some marriages its easier than others) to get fixated on the other person's violations.  Especially the ones that seem to be stealing your cookies... or sleep, or money, or whatever.  Even when there's been a serious offense, one has to consider that there are two people in the relationship. 

The one who states his case first seems right, until the other comes and examines him. -Proverbs 18:17

My boys head back to school tomorrow.  Fall break is over.  Its a fast track to Christmas.  Ryland finished his book report today.  He did a really good job of fleshing out the report from his bare bones sentences with a few probing questions from his mom to get him thinking.  Asking good questions is a skill I'm learning.  I told him he needs can start thinking of those questions himself when asked to speak or write about a story he's read.

I'm excited about this NaNoWriMo challenge.  I have all these character ideas coming to mind and story titles.  I'm looking forward to seeing what I come up with.  Real life is full of interesting characters.  And when you get to know people, they have a story.  God's written some very interesting stories. The lists of names in the Bible, salutations to folks we'd skim right over if we could pronounce their names, point to some very inspiring account if you dig into them.   I've personally (foolishly) always wished my story was boring.  Not novel material.  But, drawing from some of the more strange or dramatic times in my life and history,  I might be able to come up with a novel or two.

You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed. - Psalm 139:16

I came home from church to find dog vomit on the carpet.  Well, at least the house will smell like freshly cleaned carpets when my husband gets home today.  Sigh.  Smile.

 As a dog returns to its vomit, so a fool repeats his foolishness.- Proverbs 26:11

Quieted,

Sheila

Greater than us

There are certain times that I purposely refrain from speaking out what's on my mind. I KNOW whatever comes out may come from truth but by the time it passes through my hormone-drunk synapses and makes its way to my lips it will be about as pleasant to hear as a steak dinner served on a trash can lid is pleasant to eat.

Nevertheless, sometimes you have to speak. You can't refrain from saying, "Happy Birthday!" on those brain-chemical emotion-spun days just because tears may flow with the words and kids may ask, "Why are you crying mom?!"

Today is one of those days. And there are many, many things I would like to say. Partly because I'm drowning in the hormonal curse of the fall of Eve and partly, or mostly in actuality, because I'm proud and want to explain myself. I could keep publicly quiet, but to many of you I've publicly shared the trials related to what today marks for me. And so, by the grace of God, I am putting a strong restraint on my weak lips and letting go of pride (you dastardly precursor to hard falls) and am choosing to simply say these very loaded-with-faith words:

My husband and I have returned to our vows on this 18th anniversary of making them. He chooses his wife and children. I choose letting go and faithfulness.

It’s greater than us
It’s binding us
Third cord holding together weakness

Two is better than one
Three cannot be easily undone

It’s the promise I’ve come back to

I Sheila, still take you to be my husband today as I did 18 years ago. I promise to be faithful to you for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health. I promise to help you, stand by you and encourage you until death parts us. What God has joined together, let us never again separate.

Quieted,

Sheila

What keeps me where I am?

One of the hardest lessons I've had to learn as a disciple of Christ is that after knowing the freedom granted me in Christ comes a test of willingness to limit what I can do, not by law, but by the love of Christ.

Paul said while he was in a physical prison:

But I want you to know, brethren, that the things which happened to me have actually turned out for the furtherance of the gospel, so that it has become evident to the whole palace guard, and to all the rest, that my chains are in Christ;

- Philippians 1:12-13 NKJV

Paul had very real physical limitations, but he didn't see his physical chains or prison as keeping him from doing God's will. He believed that NOTHING could limit him other than the love of Christ. Only the love of Christ could really constrain Paul to joyfully, prayerfully, and boldly remain in a terrible prison. God had sprung him free before. He knew God could now. But he believed that if there was anything holding him back from traveling the known world to spread the good news of God's salvation in Christ, it was Christ's love for the people right there in that prison, including the "whole palace guard."


God is teaching me that these past 4 years. He's freed me from loveless law that coldly, bitterly, and begrudgingly says , "I have to do this cause I'm a Christian. I have to submit to my husband cause I'm a Christian.... etc." I could have walked a way. He certainly gave me a wide opened door. But His love binds me. The love that went to the cross while I was yet a sinner, and enemy of God, is my chain. I have to stay in the place where He has me ministering His humble, submitted love to my husband, and His nurturing, training love to my children, because how could I do anything else!? His love binds me to them!

( image found here)

The bond of "Poor me I'm stuck in this marriage, with these kids, and I have to stay because it's 'the law'," will hold for awhile. But it'll look for that "legal" way out. It'll look for a way to set itself free. But the bond of the Love of Christ will be compelled to stay united in marriage and pouring its life out for the training and nurturing of its children, and even when there is a "legal" way out, it will not take it. The bond of the love of Christ is unbreakable.


It compelled Paul to see his physical chains as nothing, and it compelled Paul to see his freedom from physical chains in Acts 16 as nothing. Only the love of Christ held Paul firmly to his prison cell, or pulled him "bound" for Jerusalem where chains, beatings and torment awaited him.

Truly I have tasted of the love of Christ. Lord let me not forget and start seeing physical chains, or loopholes out... let Your love constrain me.


Is Christ's love compelling you to stay where you are though you could go? Is Christ's love compelling you to go where you go or are you just thinking, "This is the best option,"?

So glad He found me ,

Isaiah 51:3

Midnight confessions

So many things are coming together for me right now at midnight. And if I truly want to be vulnerable before you (whoever you are) with the hopes that you might trust Christ more, then I must share what's going on with me here right now.

I was supposed to post what I'm learning today, but I guess God waited till the very last hour of today to really hit me with the lesson.

I just shared at Exemplify today about something Jesus said that has been weighing heavy on me. He said,

"And because lawlessness will abound, the love of many will grow cold.
But he who endures to the end shall be saved." Matt.24:12-13

Just now, after sobbing my way through the movie Fireproof (which I have not seen before tonight) I realized my love has been growing cold for my husband. And it very well may be because "lawlessness" (the refusal to feed on or take as a prescription God's word) abounds in him. Nevertheless I'm the one called to endure to the end LOVING whether the lawlessness abounds or not.

In the movie, Kirk Cameron's screen dad gives him a 40 day Love Dare. After surrendering his life to Christ midway through the 40 days, and enduring the rejection of his wife through the 40 days, and even when it was past, Cameron was finally able to win his screen wife back.

When the movie was over I sobbed to my Lord, "My 40 day Love Dare has lasted 4 years!" My heart was so touched by Christ in that moment. The scripture that flashed on the screen as the movie ended was Romans 5:8,

"But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us."

That was the verse God used to fill me with His love for my husband when he was filing for a divorce 4 years ago and I was delivering our second son.

I remember a family member calling to tell me her "concerns" after having heard a rumor about what my husband was out doing while we were just beginning our separation. I was overflowing with something I'd never had for a person before... agape love. I remember defending my husband, who was OBVIOUSLY not very defendable at the time. I remember saying something like, "You know, Christ died for him! He died for all of us while we were still sinners! If He can forgive him, I'm not going to hold it against him!"

My concerned loved one was angry with me and thought I'd lost it. She was right in a sense, I had lost it. I'd lost all my selfish grip and judgement and all I could see was the cross. I couldn't get passed the cross. I couldn't look at the cross and then look at my husband and hold his sin against him. Christ's dare to love me was enabling me to dare to love my husband even while he was rejecting me.

But 4 years have come and gone since then. And because the "love dare" continues without the repsonse from my husband I was hoping for, I've been tempted to give up, or grow cold in my vulnerable love towards him.

After watching Fireproof tonight my heart was rekindled. I saw the cross again and I saw what He wills to do in and through me towards my husband.

I saw Him willing to wait.
I saw Him deserving of my on-fire love towards my husband whether I got a response or not.
I saw Him, arms outstretched wide, crying, "Father forgive them, for they know not what they do!" without any promise that we'd turn to Him.

If your tempted to let your love grow cold towards your spouse or towards anyone in your life, maybe like me you need to take a good look at the cross again.

Maybe like me tonight you need to confess that you're growing skeptical and hard.

Maybe like me tonight you need to write your husband a note and leave it on the table.

Maybe like me, the Lord would bring to mind a time in the past when your husband as said something like mine said to me 4 years ago, "I just want to be appreciated Sheila!"

But even if he's never said something like that. Even if he's never done anything that shows you any kind of desire or openness towards your love, Christ HAS! He showed us He loved us by dying for us while we were still rejecting Him!


Oh Father help us! Help us as wives today! Please, give us tender hearts in exchange for the ones that have grown cold and hard. Show us, remind us, how much You've loved us so that we can stretch out our arms wide and be willing to endure to the end with a tender, warm, passionate, vulnerable, love- even if we get no response from our husbands! Help us to entrust our hearts to You! I know Father that the best hope I have of winning my husband is in letting Your sacrificial love be seen in me. Please let it be Lord! Take my life, take it and LOVE through me Love of God! Love through me!!

Redeeming the time

Happy 15th Anniversary to us

September 4, 1993 my man and I became one flesh!

15 years later we are evidence of God's grace and saving power.

"So then, they are no longer two but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate.” Matthew 19:6