This morning I wake up much like most mornings- crying out for the Lord from the moment my foot hits the floor. I look around my quiet, dark, sleeping, small house and think, "Where can I go Lord to find you!? I can't cry out real loud, I'll wake everyone up!"
I look at my closed Bible sitting there with my pen and journal and I almost don't open it for the enemy is right there, from the moment I wake up, blaspheming my God in my ears..."He doesn't hear you! Nothing's going to speak to you in there! You mind as well go back to sleep!" I almost do.
My starvation for the Lord is so great I almost let my feelings override my faith. In a dry and thirsty land, when you thirst for the Lord more than cracked dirt thirsts for rain, two things happen, at least to me: I'm tempted to either make something myself that will give me some temporary satisfaction, or stop moving alltogether....to do like Haggar and just lay down in the desert to die.
This is a season of life, and it has been for the past three years, where the Lord leads me into the wilderness. Like Jesus the Spirit leads me here to be tempted by the devil to see if I'll put my hope in God's word, not in my feelings or perceptions, and to see if I'll wait for the Lord and not make something happen for myself (Matthew 4:1-11).
"I wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and in His word I hope; my soul waits for the Lord more than watchmen for the morning, more than watchmen for the morning." - Psalm 130:5-6
The Lord does not call me to be filled right now, He calls me to be drained, to be emptied, willingly, though I could go find something to fill me up a little if I desired to.
As I spoke Psalm 130 out loud this morning I felt like I at least found a shade tree the Lord has provided for my parched soul. And as I sat under it gentle reminders and encouragement came to mind.
I remembered that it's God's word that is sure, not what I feel or don't feel. I said again, "I hope in YOUR word Lord! I hope in Your word, not in feeling refreshed."
I also remembered the story of Elisha's widow, which comes to mind often. Though I don't know it's full application to my life, for some reason the Spirit keeps speaking it to me...so I'm listening.
This morning I thought, "The widow kept pouring her only source of life out (the little bit of oil she had in her house) into... empty, lifeless vessels- with no one watching except her own sons. There was no response, no encouragement, no seen by the multitudes miracle...just keep pouring. She just kept obediently pouring out her life into a bunch of borrowed jars. There was no instant abundance of food and supply filling her cabinets with every tip of the oil jar. There was simply a quiet, unseen obedience and trust in the word of the Lord that was spoken to her. She may have felt like nothing was coming of this but a bunch of oil but her feelings didn't stop her from continuing to obey."
I remembered this morning, as these things came to mind, that whatever the Lord has said He will do! The Lord has promised that I am complete in Him. He's promised to finish the work He started in me. He's promised to use everything for good to conform me to the image of His Son. He's promised to save me fully. And He's also promised to use me to be a rescuing help to this household. His word is true, so I'll keep waiting on Him and not go try to satisfy myself somehow. And I'll keep hoping in His word which is eternally true and never fails!
Lord, I pour all this out this morning and I think of Angie and her dear friend Nicole and my sister Lord. I think of the valley of Baca they walk through...the valley of weeping. Satisfy their souls Lord with glimpses of heaven. Open their eyes to see what will comfort their weeping hearts. Satisfy their longing hearts Father!
"Therefore, behold, I will allure her, Will bring her into the wilderness, And speak comfort to her."- Hosea 2:14