Mixed feelings on 42.

As of today I'm 42.  

Today is a mixed bag of emotions. The day started at 5:30 AM, which is an hour and a half sleep-in compared to the 4 AM wake up call on workdays.  The baby goats are being separated from their mom's at night to begin the weaning process, so when I walk the acre from our back door, under the stars, to the corral where they're at, I'm greeted by 7 goat kids screaming, "MAAAAA!!"

I tiredly fed the baby girl (The 6 boys we have left I stopped bottle feeding in the morning.  They seem to be getting what they need from their mom's and will be weaned completely from milk by 2 months of age.) and then thought I'd sneak back into the house and sleep more until 7:30 and then come back and milk the momma goats, but I decided to just get the milking chores done and then nap after.  The nap finally came at 12:30 after morning chores and a guy responding to our Craigslist ad for free mulch came to pick up a load... and I did some reading.

James put the boys to work yesterday and today for their first 2 days of summer break.  Yesterday he had them purge every closet, cabinet and drawer in the entire house.  Today he had them cleaning the back patio, garage and barn.   They did good.  I think they're happier when they do hard work.  

I, on the other hand, refrained from all chores and soap making today.  I spent some time reading and thinking and praying about dear friends, broken relationships and people I care about with major things going on in their lives.  I also decided to pull out the Jamberry gel nail kit I bought like 6 months ago and actually paint my nails.  It put the nail in the coffin for me.  I am not a nail person!  I just don't want to spend an hour of my life painting my fingernails.  They do feel nice, but I feel a little like a cat feels when you put scotch tape on his paws.

The day started getting heavy when I got news that my grandpa Don passed away this morning.  Grandpa Don has been married to my grandma Oleta since I was about 13.  I was not close to him but I know he had a servant's heart... always helping and serving my grandma and her kids and grandkids.  For the last few years he's had to live in a memory care facility due to his worsening Alzheimer's disease.  It's been hard for my grandma Oleta not having him at home as she's been struggling with a lung cancer diagnosis and her own health issues.  I know my grandma is grieving the loss of her brother this week too.  My heart is heavy for her.  I wish I lived closer!

Grief is a hard thing.  You don't have to experience a physical death to experience grief.   Divorce and betrayal can create the worst kind of grief...  for more than just the couple and their immediate family.   I tried to face that grief with vulnerability and love today in a very small way.  Someone asked me why not just ignore it.  I can't.  Love can't.  Forgiveness can't.  Ignoring it is just letting it fester deep inside.

Tomorrow I'll start at 4 am and end at 9 pm with breakfast, a 12 hour shift at the hospital and a quick bite to eat in between.  Repeat twice.  Then I'll be home for three days to plan the summer events with the boys, make soap and lotion orders, ship soap, hopefully sell some more bucklings, attend a Linear Appraisal from the ADGA and hopefully do a trip to the library.

I can easily fall into the trap of living under the tyranny of the urgent.  I don't want to though.  Taking a day like today to rest from the normal business is a good way for me to look the Urgency Tyrant in the face and say, "God's in charge.  Not you."  I think that's in the Bible somewhere.  :)

Every year that passes I am becoming more and more in agreement with the heart cry in the prayer, "So teach us to number our days that we may gain a heart of wisdom!"

Quieted, 

Sheila

I'm the Odd Couple's 38 year old mom in a 68 year old body

I never know what to put in the title line, especially on a day like today. Maybe: My hip and knee hurt bad! Or: I have pockets of puffiness under my eyes that won't go away and weren't there yesterday. Or: My baby is eight today! Or: My sister is coming tomorrow!

I'll tell ya, 38 has been a year of physical breakdown I didn't expect until at least 58.   And I don't like it one bit!  I shouldn't have to pull on the car door to get out of my car because of my knee pain in my 30's!  And I shouldn't be limping and walking half bent over the day after going for a one mile jog.  And I should be popping 1600 mg of ibuprofen everyday so I can not wince with everyday movements.  All of this should be non-exsistent.  I can't even think about squatting or lunging or burpees or kettle bell swings or any other gym workout that isn't in the old-lady water aerobics class.

So I had an MRI on the 8th and was referred to an orthopedic doc.  I saw him today.  He wants to do three injections of orthovisc in my knee.  Basically it's a lube job for the knee.  That and physical therapy.  He says he thinks I'm having IT band pain and I have atrophy of my left quadriceps which isn't helping, hence the physical therapy.  I think he's a good doctor, he listened to me... methinks that's the most important thing in a physician next to skill and knowledge. 

All this at age 38 with no good reason (I'm not exactly a competitive athlete) has me searching online for some information about some changes I could make in my diet that may help prevent the kind of inflammation the ortho said showed on the MRI of my knee.  I'm gonna have to eat crow, or herring rather, and join my husband in eating canned herring.  It's his favorite snack... eats a couple cans a day.  I give him a lot of grief for it.  It's not exactly a breath freshener!  I guess if we both have herring breath.... ugh.  Nevermind.  Maybe I'll look into fish oil supplements.

So I'm thinking maybe it's the flonase (which I was prescribed along with my antibiotic for a sinus infection) that left a sac of fluid bulging below my left eye today.  It's not pretty.

I can't believe it's been eight years since Ryland was born.  He's such a gift.  My Christmas gift!  I treasure the gift and stewardship of both the sons I've been given.  Each one is distinct.  Ryland is methodical, logical, matter-of-fact, sensitive, not-a-jock, a puzzle-solver, a math-lover, a rule-follower, a tad bossy, a Felix, very affectionate, a bit of a momma's boy, has a keen justice-meter, wishes he could eat sugar and play video games all day long, and has a smile that lights up a room.

I'm always studying to learn the bend my children have so I can guide them in the direction they were designed to go.  I think Ryland's bend is towards numbers and order.  Maybe CPA?  I see an inclination towards self-righteousness and judgmentalness.  But I also see a great sensitivity to the mercy he knows is not earned or deserved.   This one has a dirty heart like the rest of us, but the soil is good and soft and ready to receive truth.   You know what else grows well in good soil?  Weeds.  And as a momma-servant in my Master's child-raising-field I find myself tending to those weeds with lots of prayer, total dependence upon the mercy and grace a fallen-and-redeemed-parent needs, and loving discipline.  I'm so glad I get to be Ryland's mom!  (And just as glad I get to be the mom to his Oscar-like brother Connor!)

My sister is coming from Shasta Lake, CA tomorrow to ring in the new year with me!!!  I'm so excited and blessed.  She's leaving my precious nephews to come spend some time with her nephews.  I hope I get to do the same in the spring.  I purchased tickets last month to the Phoenix Symphony's New Year's Eve Celebration.  I can't wait!  I've always wanted to go to a symphony.  In heaven, I hope I can play an instrument really well or have a fantabulous singing voice!  Musicians and people who build things intrigue me!  I want my boys to at least have had the experience of a dress-up night at the symphony.  So, despite their moaning about how boring it will be, they're coming!  I think they'll be surprised.  I might have to put them on a 24 hour fast from all things electronic before we go.

Quieted,

Sheila