But after I sent it I felt a nudge to share some of it. I didn't want to. I still feel very exposed doing so. I know there are family and friends who know me who read this blog once in awhile and I truthfully didn't want to take a chance on them not understanding. But then the Lord brought this to mind, "For not even his brothers believed in him." (John 7:5)
There came a time when obeying the will of the Father for Jesus meant loosing the affection and understanding of even His own family. And I'm not saying my family will reject me because of this post, probably not, they probably won't even know what I'm saying this for. But this is the struggle I have in my own mind, not sharing things because I'm afraid of someone not understanding. As with my Lord, there is a time for everything. There was a time for Him to do certain things and say certain things, and there was a time for Him not to do or say certain things, but always there were outside forces seeking to distract Him from simply obeying the will of His Father.
I know the Lord has a reason for what I'm about to share, and so I prayerfully do.
My email was in response to an encouraging word from this sister in the Lord who wrote me about not conforming my choices in homeschooling to the pattern of this world. She's right! And that goes not just for homeschooling but in everything we do as Christians, we are not to try to match the world just cause it's what we're used to or comfortable with, rather, we're to conform to God's word and His ways as revealed in Jesus. We do this by being in His word and being obedient trusting His power that works in us to do the changing of us.
What she wrote really touched on something I constantly wrestle with that I haven't really found a way to get out in prayer or in words before now. Here's some of what I wrote (I'll leave out names.)
I really struggle with how to love my h yet not let him take the place of God in my life.
I so appreciate the *** ministries, but one thing I don't agree with is their stance on a woman not teaching their kids God's word if the woman's husband doesn't just because the kids will think religion is all a woman thing, not a man thing. I know what they write about concerning a woman just being kind and loving and respectful towards her husband, whether they believe or not, is true and is God's word, but I also know God's word is very clear that a woman or man must not put pleasing the one in authority over obeying God.
I must teach my boys the truth! The love of Christ compels me, how can I not...and if my h rejects me, there's the enemy, even other Christians like those at *** who might think that I've driven him off by being a snobby super "spiritual" Jezebel! I'm not though! The Lord knows! He knows! I love my h dearly, I love him not with a selfish love but a love that wants to win him. I want him to know the love of Christ and I seek to show him bundles of unearned favor daily, just as Christ has shown me (and I'm not perfect at it, only by His grace), but that desire to win him with a submissive, willing, honoring, loving, life, is at a crossroads with the desire to obey God in teaching my kids His ways.
At a crossroads! That's it!
I've been struggling and trying to express this struggle I have as a wife who desires to obey God in loving her husband AND obey Him in teaching her kids God's word, and it all comes down to the cross.
This, for me, is taking up my cross daily and following Jesus.
There comes a time where daily I must follow my Lord into obediently spreading the truth of His word to those the Father has entrusted to me (in my case my two sons, in the Lord's case, his 12 disciples), bearing the cross of being misunderstood and possibly even rejected by other believers, by my own family, by my own husband and kids even. There comes a time when I must set my face like Jesus did to obediently speaking the truth of the kingdom to those He's entrusted to me even as it leads me closer to loosing the ability to win the ones I love with a submissive, willing, honoring, loving life.
I must do all those things all the way to Calvary, to the place of total rejection. I can't just do one and not the other. If I continue to be submissive, willing, honoring and loving with my life yet leave out the speaking of God's gospel to the souls God has put under my care then I'm just pleasing man and leaving no place for God to be the God.
"Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives;...But sanctify the Lord God in your hearts: and be ready always to give an answer to every man that asketh you a reason of the hope that is in you with meekness and fear..." ( KJV 1 Peter 3:1,15)
But if I refuse to be submissive, willing, honoring and loving with my life yet speak God's word I'm a...well, as 1Corinthians 13: says, " I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal."
I have to do both, though doing the later while doing the former takes me down the cross road daily...the path of taking up my cross and following Jesus.
I'm sure this is why I have such a heart for the persecuted church.
They speak the gospel and teach God's word to those entrusted to them though they face suffering at the hands of those in authority around them...and even those who persecute them, they reach out to in love with God's truth, knowing it could mean punishment and even a painful death. They do all this and yet they find rejection from many other Christians who think they are just being rebellious or stirring up trouble rather than being submissive. I'm sure this is why Paul always wrote to remember His chains and to not be ashamed of his chains. He wanted other Christians to not reject him too. But that's the road of the cross. That's the road our Lord walked, and if we want to be His disciples, that's the road we'll walk too.
The enemy wants to destroy us. And I think he thinks he's got a pretty good case for why we shouldn't follow Jesus...he lets us see the cross- how we'll be rejected and how we'll have given so much submission and kindness and love to others only to be spurned by them and then not even our own will accept us, but rather treat us like we're troublemakers. But he leaves out the resurrection!
My God calls me to walk a path that is sure to bring pain and empty me into others though they may ultimately reject me for speaking and trusting in God's word. But that's not all He calls me to! Down that cross road is life more alive than any taste of it I may have here by not choosing the cross road.
I choose the cross road!