- My marriage
- My husband's soul
- My children's souls
- Child training- how and what it means
- Wanting to reach out WITH my kids so they see an example and learn to serve others in Jesus' name
- What part God would grant me to participate in the "causes" He cares about
It's always the case that as I hear the Spirit stir my heart towards a certain direction and I begin to take a step towards that direction- even if that step is just praying about it and desiring to move in it- the enemy is always quick to shoot a thought of accusation, condemnation and doubt.
I've seen this before, you'd think I recognize the pattern by now and not get all stalled out with His every LIE, but I do, only this time I'm not gonna get stuck in the paralyzation of analyzation.
You know what that is, don't you? You have this thing, or person, or direction or decision laid on your heart and you're sure it's from the Lord. You begin praying about it, searching the scriptures, thinking about it, and boom, outta nowhere some sentence someone spoke on a radio commercial or a line you read in a blog somewhere gets SHOT your direction in an accusing tone. Suddenly, something you heard or read that didn't mean a thing to you before now sounds like a prosecuting attorney condemning you on the stand before the judge and jury. So you stop. You don't move forward in praying or anything, all you can do is worry and wonder and argue with that voice in your head, trying to work it out and figure out how to get past this accusation.
Well, maybe that doesn't happen to you, maybe I'm the only crazy one, but it does happen to me, A LOT it seems.
Recently my heart has been stirred to not use my husband's spiritual state, or my lack of making money, or ANYTHING as an excuse to not, "...open her hand to the poor and reaches out hands to the needy," (Proverbs 31:20) but just to step out by faith in doing the good that God would allow me to do by His power.
God's already shown me He's at work in my husband's heart and that whether I make money or not is no matter- God is the one who gives me the provision, whether I work for it or my husband does, it's still God who's providing for me. But then it hit me, that accusing thought from the deceptive Prosecution, "You're not really reaching out to anyone, your just donating. That isn't enough! That's not what Jesus wants you to do. You think giving a measly ______ a month is going count as some kind of participation in God's work? Your kids aren't going to learn anything from that...." On and on the accusations come. And I could easily get paralyzed by trying to analyze my Accusers statements, and trying to figure out a good argument back. But the still, quiet and peaceful voice of the Spirit says, "Come now. I've prepared a table before you in the presence of your enemies. Come, sit, eat and talk to me while they have to be quiet and listen. Defy their voices in My presence. Let them sit there and squirm while I, the King of all, listen to you."
Oh my! And so I come and in an instant (which is I guess is the only way you can describe being exposed to the eternal in this time-ruled place) I know that no matter if I stood amongst crowds of widows, homeless, orphans, poor, and oppressed and spoke words of life and healing, witnessed thousands saved, and was able to do it all with my boys as we touched and ministered to their needs my presence, my part, my acts, would amount to nothing more than a few loaves and some fish. Cause if God isn't healing, touching, saving, clothing, feeding, rescuing, delivering, serving, IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT I DO.
So if I never get to do anything with my boys in a BIG, seen, way, and God's assignment to me is to pray, to give up those moments of paralyzation for talking to Him about these people He loves, if His part for me is to write a check, or donate water to a homeless ministry, or stop at the local nursing home to smile and hug some widows and widowers... if I can do these things then I will by His grace. And I'll trust that He's able to take what I offer, which is never enough no matter how big or little I think it is, and make it feed souls!
Oh Lord my God! You know me! Nothing is hidden from You! I hate it that when You look at me I see my wretchedness, but I'm glad cause it makes me realize how gracious and merciful You are. I hate it that in Your holy light I see that I'm still a man-pleaser. I still value things based on how "seen" it is. I still have this thought that being out there touching the poor and lost is me doing more than getting on my knees in my house where no one sees except You and I touch no one...except YOU! I hate my own thoughts Lord! And I love Yours, cause You say, "It doesn't matter what you do Sheila- if you don't touch Me it won't meet the need." Only You Lord can do this overwhelming work. Yet You don't want me to use what I can or can't do as an excuse for doing nothing. You want me to get on my knees and do what is before me, reaching out in Christ's love in the capacity that I can and seek Your face for Your will to be done in me and in my children and in any soul I reach out to. Help us, Your people, to not get stuck in analyzing. Help us to give, even if it's a check, while praying for Your hand to touch the lives that check is intended for. And help us to reach out and touch those who are around us, the widows, the children...the poor in our lives while praying for Your hand to touch them.