I've had much on my mind. Heavy things. Hard things. I can't speak it. I can't write it. I'm just... heavy.
James has been selected to fill a temporary sergeant position at work. He'll be switching from a 6 am to 4 pm, Monday thru Thursday, come home for lunch if you want, get called in at 3 am and not come home till 9 pm the next day schedule to a 8 pm to 6 am four days a week schedule. Yep. Night shift. Which means two parents will be working nights in this house. I don't think it's gonna fly.
I spoke with my supervisor at work Saturday night to see if I could possibly switch to a days shift position. I don't really want to work days to be honest. It's much more... chaotic. Too many doctors and therapists and managers asking you to do this and that on top of what you need to do to actually see the people in the beds and care for them. I'm not very good at switching from one task to the other in rapid succession without lots of balls being dropped. And when the balls you juggle as a nurse involve people's lives, dropping is not an option. Needless to say I feel a bit nervous about possibly going to days. We'll see.
Suicide has left it's deep, debilitating scar on my life. When I was 15, one of my best girlfriends from 8th grade shot herself on her elementary school playground. I had just come home from a mission trip to Mexico with the youth group at my church. Something, at the time, I really didn't want to do, but was pushed into by my parents who were worried that I was hanging out with the wrong crowd. I'm so glad they pushed me. It was a turning point in my life. A turning toward my Savior. I'll never forget my mom sitting with me in the parking lot of Fred Myer in Roseburg, Oregon telling me that Julie was dead.
Julie is not in this photo. This was take at my 15th birthday just a year or so before I went to Mexico and before Julie took her life. My best friend at the time, Delcina, is to the right and one of my other "Mod" friends, Laura, is on the far right. Both of these girls were part of the group of kids I was hanging out with that had my parents so concerned. They were good friends. We were stupid kids. Completely self-centered. Totally absorbed with our own inane thinking. Nothing we obsessed about was worth taking our lives for. We were thinkers though. We wanted to be different. We wanted to live outside the box. We thought were breaking away. We had no idea we were dead in our trespasses and sins or what that even meant. We had no idea we were utterly loved and rescued by the One who created us. We had no idea we were created to know and be known by God. We had no idea real life was someone who really was outside the box- a new Man. We had no idea how He loved us!
Julie was a poet, an artist and a drama queen. She was fun loving and reckless. When she decided to end her life, her violent act struck the many who loved her too. It didn't just take her life, it destroyed parts of ours. My heart aches for Mr. Williams' wife and family and friends. My heart aches deep in that wound Julie left for Mr. Williams and the dear ones I have known who bought the lie and in the darkness and poison of that lie took their life and irreversibly wounded the lives of those around them.
The Bible says there is Liar out there. A Father of Lies who's sole mission in this time and space is to kill, steal and destroy. His lies are alluring. Violence looks inviting. Death looks like hope. Destruction looks like pleasure. A trap looks like freedom.
The Bible also says there is One who is the way, the truth and the life. He has come that we might have life... to the full. And at his side, beyond the cross we bear as we die to ourselves and follow him, are pleasures forevermore. He is right, if you desire to keep this life you will loose it, but if you loose it for his sake, you'll keep it.